I guess... Im making this webbed site so I can have a place of zero judgment. I enjoy journaling but typing on a keyboard makes me tingle. I have few plans other than emptying my mind.
Here's how you can make bold and italic text.
These are my Top Three Teas as of January 2024
I do care, heres a comprehensive list
I suppose I'd like to transcripe my splurge of words to get them on here *DEEP BREATH*
I’ve always been very aware of myself to a detrimental degree. I do not seem to have the instant connection with people that others share, I often feel if 20 strangers were in a room they had all met before and I had not. I was a chronic thumb sucker, I would suck my thumb and hold someones ear. It got to the point that my skin was breaking down and my bone could be seen. I was always very attached to my mother, she had left when I was around 3 for work and was gone for a year. I could not seem to make relationships with other family members. I lived with my grandparents and I felt the closest to them. I did not feel comfortable playing with my cousins, on either my black or white side. I have always had difficulty making friends and then keeping them. Other people seem to be aware of whatever “defects”, for lack of better word, that I have before I was. That has been a constant in my life as well. Every social skill I have I taught myself, I now find myself to be someone who has the ability to make eye contact, a very conscious choice every single moment, and ask questions to continue conversations. I do not have the ability to talk about myself or share my interests with other people including those closest to me. I have always done well academically despite being categorized as a daydreamer and having extreme procrastination issues. The entirety of elementary and middle school I was reading a book partly because I enjoyed it but it also was a way to avoid having painful conversation. Which all of the conversations I had were. I also have a speech variation that comes about when talking, its as if I am thinking the words but my mouth is unable to articulate them. This occurs roughly everyday, mostly when I am in uncomfortable, not my house, work environments. I believed I had suffered from panic attacks from a young age but I know now that they were autistic meltdowns. These would occur when getting in the car after a regular day at school when I had to talk more than usual or any social situation that required I speak. The most recent occurred over the summer when I took my little sister to an all day birthday party on a river. It took almost 3 days to recover. These meltdowns look very similar to panic attacks with crying, hyperventilating, and a feeling of needing to leave my own body. They have brought me to the brink of suicide attempts in the past. I do “self medicate” with marijuana. Typically my brain moves too fast or so awkwardly that I am unable to complete actions without feeling uncoordinated and “janky”. After consuming THC my brain is able to slow and process information and relay it back to me more smoothly. I also struggle to complete activities of daily living. I have never showered everyday in my life. Grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning are skills that I am developing but are a huge mental strain and are unable to coincide with other demands of life. I did witness these things in childhood but as I was never directly taught, I do not have the skills. When I am taught things I need the exact steps and I cannot infer any nuance. While I am able to comprehend gray moral areas, if it is a physical action I have to know the plan for A,B, and C situations or I will be unable to complete them. I become very unstable if my plans change. Once I have accepted that something is the case I almost require that it continue that way otherwise I become extremely agitated and it sometimes results in a meltdown. As my girlfriend is dx with ADHD and does have the symptom of being impulsive this can be difficult for our relationship. I am particularly interested in history, society and the conjunction of that which is politics. This is something I can talk about for lengths on end. I do not have many ways to relax. I often find myself either sitting in an almost stuck way or pacing as I become overwhelmed with the possibilities of what I could do and what currently needs to be done. I am often unable to understand the unspoken verbal cues such as change in tone, when this occurs I have to ask for clarification. I only know I have missed something because I feel confusion when the speaker also looks confused or is waiting on me to respond. I am capable of deciphering metaphors and reading between the lines but I attribute this to the significant amount of books I’ve read. I typically cannot do this in real time.
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